Disclaimer: This was a myspace posting I made in February of 2007 while working in Eastern Kentucky as a broadcast journalist. Someone just now commented on it the other day and brought it back to my attention. Hope it’s still relevant for you. I’m laying it down right here without the editing that should happen when you look at something a year later, especially something with such “deep thought”. Here you go:
God, Me, Jiminy?
I’ve been racking by brain recently on how to listen to God more clearly throughout my daily life. Throughout last summer, while applying to 40-plus broadcast jobs across the continental United States, I’d find myself playing mind-games with myself. I was checking my email for responses from prospective employers on a ridiculus basis. Every 10 minutes, I’d stroll by the computer screen and take a glance for something. I eventually felt like maybe I should relax a little bit and not allow myself to become so addicted and dependent on hearing something. I “felt” like God was telling me to just let it go, trust Him, and check my email once in the morning and once at night. In between those times, I felt like He wanted me to have the freedom of a worry-free day.
But here’s where it can become fuzzy…I knew on my own that there was no reason to become an email-aholic. And I believed in this on my own accord. Why would I feel the need to have God “speak” to me on this? Perhaps it was just something I knew on my own and needed to act on on my own will.
Or…perhaps it was just a deeper part of my conscience. Perhaps it was a place that I have no control of. I’d refer to this place as Jiminy. The wise Cricket speaks to me often, guiding me throughout the day, tugging on my shoulders when I need guidance. So…on that daily basis throughout last summer. was it God, Me, or Jiminy? Who was speaking and guiding?
The other night, after working 6 days a week for a full month, I found myself driving alone on an empty highway on the outskirts of Eastern Kentucky. I felt like God was asking me to just stop, pull over, catch my breath, relax, come to him, pray, rest…all of the above. Why? Why would God want me to pull over on the side of a highway in the middle of the night? Perhaps this was just me or Jiminy, a part of me feeling guilty for working myself too much, for working myself out of a daily conversation with Jesus. The drive brought back last summer’s email journey. Well, I didn’t pull over and I didn’t rest until the next morning when I felt like God was telling me to just sit down in the shower before beginning another week of non-stop movement.
I know this is circular to the point of speaking without answers. But it’s something I struggle with. God doesn’t really speak to us verbally nowadays or get all caught up in transfiguration. Is it God speaking, is it just me, or is it my conscience?
I do not know. But I do know that in those moments that one of the three is telling me to pull over or relax or sit down…that if I listen to whomever is asking, regardless of which of the three I believe it to be…that God will show up in that moment and speak to me. I don’t believe He cares how I get to a point where I’ll listen…I think he just wants me to hear.