I apologize to all our readers for being so absent on this blog lately. It has been rare in the past month to find even 15 minutes to stop and think. Hopefully there is enough raw experience in this mind of mine that you will see a plethora (SAT words in action-Thanks Mom) of brilliant wall posts as I begin to process all that I have experienced. Here is a journal entry written in the 15 minutes before my softball game on Tuesday to give you a brief synopsis before getting into juicy details.
“Lord, help me to sit and reflect. I have been in the midst of such a whirlwind for the past month that it feels strange and unnatural to sit still and think. I have memories of vast frustration, loneliness, intense laughter, inexpressible joy, confusion, questioning my future and my present, being in awe of God’s power, yearning for God to show himself and single moments I desired to freeze in time and capture in memory.
Normally, when I have a crazy month like this it means that I am running or hiding from God by piling on so many activities that I never have time to stop and actually talk to him. Most likely, I already know what he is going to say and don’t want to hear it.
This time was different, however. I have felt like he has been at my side every step of the way, whispering into my ear. The only problem is, I haven’t had a chance to listen and am now stuck wondering ‘what is next?’ and I fear that he already told me. I hope that I do not lose the lessons that are at the core of these experiences for what is the point of experiencing anything if we do not learn from it? Even if what we learn is as simple as learning about the joy of a single moment caught in the midst of chaos.
I feel like I have been in a time of blessing where everything I do whether good or bad has been used by God to glorify himself. I have seen multiple people experience turning points in their lives that will leave them changed forever. I am uncomfortable in this situation, however, because I am completely out of control. None of the good has come the way I had planned. All I can do is sit and pray that the blessing continues because I have no understanding of how to keep it going.”
The final note of wisdom I left for myself the following day is “Learn to be more comfortable in uncontrolled situations.” A wise, but completely unpractical piece of advice: how do you learn to be more comfortable?