Due to the worsening economy my company has had to go through a 6 month transition process that is nearly over (I hope!). During this time, we have been in a state of suspended animation as we watch our colleagues get fired or leave for better jobs as we wonder whether or not there will even be a spot for us in the ‘new system.’ I used to think that this would feel natural in a normal corporate environment where it is all about the ‘bottom line.’ If this is true, than I think people highly underestimate the value of human equity. That being said, it has been even more bizarre to watch this happen in a Christian non-profit where we are told not to worry about our jobs because “God is in control” and that these tough decisions are made to “bring more help for children.” These are phrases that I believe in fervently, but somehow seem hollow during this time of my life. For the past year I have been completely convinced that World Vision is where I should be for this time of my life. Now I am left wondering: “where to next?” Is this job still for me or is God pushing me elsewhere? I have spent the last month trying to figure out where my passions lie and what makes me come alive.
As one of my colleagues was leaving, she left a quote for me on my desk:
“I wake up in the morning torn between the desire to save the world and to savor it. It makes it very hard to plan my day.” E.B. White
The quote spoke to me at a very deep level. I have always had a desire to make a difference and to make my mark by helping change things for better. At each attempt, however, I find myself dissatisfied because this savior role takes me away from the world and people that I love so dearly. I have found that people don’t want to be saved they want to be loved. I am lost in this, however, because the way that I love is through my attempts to save.
Currently, I am looking into going to law school because I imagine that law can be this all-powerful platform that I hope will enable me to lead men, women, children, churches, institutions and governments to meet the basic requirements of human decency: to aide the poor and defend the vulnerable. How can it be that in today’s modern world there is still slavery? Genocide? Sex-trade? Child soldiers? Terrorism? How can it be that these problems exist not only in third world countries, but inside of the United States?
I have found my passion and my fight, yet I am left wondering: “If I take up this fight, will I lose my opportunity to savor this world and the people inside it?”