Thoughts on the Bus #3

Zach Posting:

“Run” by Snow Patrol

Journal entry:

I have officially hit a wall. I am used to being able to live at a high level of energy and when I can’t, I feel dead inside. School has hit full swing and it feels like it has taken over everything. I tried to push into the work to stay ahead, but my time to myself and my time with God were the first to go. What I continually forget is that this unbound energy I need so badly is completely a result of my connection with God. Without it, my thoughts and desires flee from him.

People often ask me why sinful thoughts matter if they don’t hurt anyone else. The reality is that they destroy me. They create or further my disconnect with God. It eats away at me from the inside and leaves a shell of the former self until I fall on my knees and call out for help. This is how I feel this morning. Just a shell. Normally, this would cause me to pray and ask God for help, but this time I just feel angry and rebellious in a way that I can not understand. I want to be far from God.

Trying to find some semblance of peace, I sat and listened to music. The song ‘run’ came on with the lyrics:

‘Light up! Light up!
As if you had a choice,
Even if you can’t hear my voice.
I will be beside you.

Obviously this is not God actually speaking to me (as far as I know, this is a love song rather than a religious one). Still, it made me realize what I want. I want to be full of life. I don’t want to live in shades of grey. Besides being a desire, I realized I really had no choice in the matter. God has claimed my life in such a way that when I return to my old self everything feels dull and dead.

To all of you I leave this challenge: Light up! Live brightly and don’t settle for a life of grey.

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