Mumford and Sons – Roll Away Your Stone (Live)
My summer in the Hague has been lonely. At first I thought this was because I did not connect with people here. A combination of working on weekends, a difference in culture, laziness, fear of trying, who knows? I realized today, however, that the real loneliness came from a lack of connection with God. How does it take a year of law school and 10 weeks in near solitude to find such a basic answer?
Today I sat down to journal. Unfortunately, every time I begin to journal it is either a result of some moral failure or a realization of the distance that has developed between myself and God. When I feel close to God, I grow tired of the discipline. As a result, my collections of journals bridge four-month gaps every couple years and paint a very depressing collective picture of my life. This is far from reality.
The truth is that I live a very blessed life. Despite my efforts, God has never let me fall far from his vision and has always been there, waiting for me to pick up my journal. To begin reflecting on his goodness. To scream out his name in pain. To call out for help. To sit in silence. To express sadness, hope, fear, love, and desire. To question. Anything that is a form of reaching out and connecting him. Especially the parts of him that are greater than I can understand.
Today, I began this process: Silence, pain, shame, fear, hope and peace. I found incredible solace in the psalms. To hear the great King David, a man after God’s own heart, yell out in torment. Like my journal, his psalms paint a very depressing picture of a life powerfully blessed by God’s love and direction.
In the next few days I promise to go back and paint the blessings of this summer to avoid painting an unfair picture of my summer. In the mean time, I invite you to join me in finding solace in the darkness of the psalms. To know that despite the pain, there is reason for hope.
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.