Roots of Loneliness

Zach Posting:

Mumford and SonsRoll Away Your Stone (Live)

My summer in the Hague has been lonely. At first I thought this was because I did not connect with people here. A combination of working on weekends, a difference in culture, laziness, fear of trying, who knows? I realized today, however, that the real loneliness came from a lack of connection with God. How does it take a year of law school and 10 weeks in near solitude to find such a basic answer?

Today I sat down to journal. Unfortunately, every time I begin to journal it is either a result of some moral failure or a realization of the distance that has developed between myself and God. When I feel close to God, I grow tired of the discipline. As a result, my collections of journals bridge four-month gaps every couple years and paint a very depressing collective picture of my life. This is far from reality.

The truth is that I live a very blessed life. Despite my efforts, God has never let me fall far from his vision and has always been there, waiting for me to pick up my journal. To begin reflecting on his goodness. To scream out his name in pain. To call out for help. To sit in silence. To express sadness, hope, fear, love, and desire. To question. Anything that is a form of reaching out and connecting him. Especially the parts of him that are greater than I can understand.

Today, I began this process: Silence, pain, shame, fear, hope and peace. I found incredible solace in the psalms. To hear the great King David, a man after God’s own heart, yell out in torment. Like my journal, his psalms paint a very depressing picture of a life powerfully blessed by God’s love and direction.

In the next few days I promise to go back and paint the blessings of this summer to avoid painting an unfair picture of my summer. In the mean time, I invite you to join me in finding solace in the darkness of the psalms. To know that despite the pain, there is reason for hope.

Psalm 13:

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

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2 responses to “Roots of Loneliness

  • Bobby

    As soon as I saw you were watching the soccer game alone in your apartment I knew something was up. Get out there and see this world you’re blessed to live in for a short time. Have no regrets. Live fully and follow hard.

    And thanks for sending this ship back out to sea. Inspiring.

  • Charles

    We miss you in Chicago and look forward to your triumphal return. Things haven’t been the same without you around. Jeremy, Joe, Brian and I did play tennis the other day but you were not around to let intruders know we would be using the courts for two more hours. Zach, you are very unique, and create quite a void in your absence – there is no one like you!

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